My depression has lessened but my numbness increases. I still have flashes of joy and hope (especially when working on my blog and writing for friends blogs etc, or being able to talk supernatural with others) and I keep getting through day by day, can check them off a metaphoric list, but I guess the issue is I don't know where those days are leading to. I know that there are things that I need to change in my life (Including getting a new job) but my motivation is almost zero. Part of the issue is even if I did change things I think I know on some fundamental level it would not really change what I am feeling. In many ways I have taken Frank Devereaux's advice to "Decide to be fine til the end of the week. Make yourself smile because... you're alive and that's your job. And do it again the next week." but I know I want life to be more then that. Too often it feels like I am just killing time. Or I simply live in an escapist daydream in my head when I should be living. Like at some point I was turned into Sisyphus and his rock and I don't like it. And as my depression decreases it means it is harder to talk about it somehow. Because at least when depressed there is a reason for being unmotivated, vs now when I am unmotivated simply for the sake of being unmotivated. Numbness is my Darkness and I am seeking a brother/sister/etc who has got it for me.
